This Past Weekend

Just a little update. I know it's going to be a bit mundane, but hey, it was!

I spent this past weekend mainly at home. It would have been a good weekend for the Pereira's to be back in town so we could have at least hung out there.

Friday was good, Doe picked me up from work and we went to Macaroni Grill for a lil date. We took Japanese lessons while we waited the 45 mins to be seated, it flew by. The whole night I was feeling sort of sick due to my sinuses just making me dizzy and giving my head pains.

After we ate, Doe went to Barnes and Noble while I just Sat in the car with my sick and took more Japanese lessons. At this time it was probably Nine and we headed home. Doe went to be pretty instantly and me along with her.

In the morning, Doe went off to work and I laid in bed for an hour or maybe half an hour. It's not often I sleep too long after she leaves, but I had a decent amount of sleep anyways. When I woke up I put my laptop on my bed in front of me and I turned on the TV to watch the morning cartoons. I was happy to see that The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack.

That show is so good its unbelievable! I can't wait for it to come out on DVD so I can buy it and just have it playing in the background 24/7.

I basically just played Street Fighter and WoW on and off all day. Mostly Street Fighter because no one was around to play WoW with me. I found myself circling 4 O'clock and all I had done was be restless in bed waiting for someone to call me to hang out! But I realized that no one was around to call! Lane had gone to a show, Ryan had gone to work (I forgot), Jim had gone to work and was napping and The Pereira's were of course in Florida.

But even if Jim was available, where and what would we do without the hosting facilities of Lane's, Ryan's or The Basement? I suppose we could have gone out to hang somewhere else? But than money is something I'd rather not spend to go see a movie or whatever. Too bad we didn't have an arcade around here!

With Doe not coming home because she was doing make up at a photo shoot, I was all alone. At least Natty came online and he played WoW and even Street Fighter with me for a while.

What bummed me out was if I did have my car I could have been hanging out with Steph and Lina at a little surprise party Steph had invited me to, for Lina! It sounded cool, but there was no way for me of getting there. I'm fine I guess, but the way the whole day played out with doing nothing, I guess I was a bit irritated. Not at anyone, but the situation of being alone in my home.

Around 10, Ryan texted me and asked if we were going to play L4D and stuff, but we'd have to play it at 2AM because that's when he'd get home from work. With the knowledge of Doe not coming home until 4am or 5am, I agreed because I had been so bored the whole day I need to hang out with someone.

I'm glad I did because it was a lot of fun. I only wish Jim was there to be the fourth player. We made it through the 'subways' and got to Mercy Hospital where zombies where everywhere. Left 4 Dead is a terrific game that leaves me scared and surprisingly, wanting more.

We played until 5am, where Ryan gave me a ride back home (he had picked me up at 2am). Doe was irritated at me for not being home when she came home.

The next morning I guess Doe woke up early even though she didn't get much sleep. I'm not sure why she can't sleep sometimes, but it's bad. I slept until 2:30 - 3:00pm which I was bummed about, but I guess I needed to the sleep. I woke up to Doe playing WoW with Natty which I always like seeing ha.

We went to Market Basket and Staples and I believe we ended back home around 4? Then for the rest of the night we just played Wow and watched a movie.

Too much WoW and too little of Street Fighter in my opinion. I guess to much staying at home too.

Dan Hall and I have been doing this show if you haven't seen it. Our shows are pretty silly and probably wouldn't be good for you unless you knew us.

Hopefully we get a new one out soon. We were thinking about hosting our videos on youtube, but we'd probably get a lot of flak from random trolls. Or no flak at all?

Give it a try though.

Tom - Dan Mega Show: One


Tom - Dan Mega Show: Winter


Tom - Dan Mega Show: Pre-New years

First things first, this post will probably be something I'll be writing in all day. So please excuse how long or scattered my topics may be or seem!

Last night I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Not to spoil anything, it's about a man, Benjamin Button, who is ages backwards. So he is born an old man and continuously gets younger as time passes. I found it very interesting and it was a three hour movie but it didn't seem that long at all.

Throughout the entire movie there life lessons scattered all about. Lessons that I guess would make you want to appreciate life.

The message I got from one of Benjamin's narrations was to live life as you choose. If you choose to stay the same or choose to change it is all alright and that we have our whole lives. While he is speaking it portrays Benjamin all around the world doing all sorts of jobs. Some jobs not as prestigious as the last but for some reason it was respectable to me. Of course this message to me was huge as I'm sure it'd be huge to anyone else with my mind set. But of course the message was helped by wonderful imagery, a monologue and melancholy music to help the mood!

As I've grown older I've realized that I'm not one for romantics. When I was younger, in middle school (ha) and high school, I figured I was going to be a great boyfriend! I always thought to myself how I would be a much better boyfriend then the boyfriends I heard girls gossiping over. I thought I'd be always understanding, charming, whatever else the perfect boyfriends from movies are like. But, looking to the past at the experience I have had as a boyfriend or even husband, I find I am not what I thought I'd be. This isn't to say I'm a bad husband or boyfriend, that is subjective though, but I am actually just a husband/boyfriend. Meaning, I'm not the 'sweep you off your feet' guy or the 'I'll beat you and harass you but you love me still' guy. I'm just your average boyfriend! if I were to judge myself, I'd say I can be insensitive sometimes and even negligent. I think sometimes I can sweet talk myself around the girl, but I'm not sure.

What makes me mention that is Benjamin Button. Who seemed to be a pretty romantic fellow.

To end this abruptly, I didn't right as much as I figured I would. Too busy ha!

Later

I'm Having Fun

Death

Yesterday around noon time, Doe texted me on the computer and she asked me if I could pick her up from work because she needed to see her Aunt. I suppose you could say 'Great Aunt'. She is Doe's Grandmother's sister. But Doe calls her an aunt.

Also, before I got on, I don't think Doe would mind me talking about this. Actually, I know she wouldn't mind.

Anyways, her Aunt has been at the Winchester hospital for about the past month. I'm not even entirely sure what the issue was, I believe it was cancer that spread into her stomach. Either way, everyone knew she didn't have much time left.

Doe's father had called Doe as he was at the hospital and he told him that she probably only had a few hours left. Doe tried calling me but I left my phone at home! (My phone at home plays another inconvenient role later) After calling my phone a million times and trying to 411 my work, she had trouble since I guess my work isn't listed, Doe finally found my mobile aim address and texted my from her phone. I left immediately down 93 and 95! When I got to Doe's salon she was teary eyed and a little frantic.

After a bunch of traffic, we got to the hospital. I remembered the last time I was at this hospital was because Natty had gotten hit in the head at a show. Well, we went up elevators, down halls and finally to Doe's Aunt's room. Doe's Aunt, Madeline, was in the hospital bed. She looked pretty uncomfortable and in bad shape to be honest. Doe's actual 'aunt' was already there along with a bunch of other family members that I had never met. I felt like I shouldn't have been there. I didn't know Madeline very well, I didn't know these other family members very well and it seemed like a time where a 'stranger' like myself isn't wanted.

Doe was in the room with Madeline just staring at her and I stood outside looking in with some other members of the family. Specifically, Toni (Doe's aunt), an elderly woman (Madeline's sister), another older woman and older man (cousins I think Doe said). The two cousins and the sister seemd oddly 'regular' in the situation. But I guess that doesn't matter.

I didn't want to go into Madeline's room because I, again, didn't feel like I belonged in there at all. If anything I only wanted to go in and give Doe whatever comfort I could offer. When I did walk in I got a better look at Madeline. She looked older than I last remembered. Obviously. I remember I kept thinking "This is what Death is." but unfortunately not feeling any sort of sadness inside myself for what was happening. I got sad seeing people crying, but not so much when I saw Madeline so lifeless. I want to say it's because I didn't know her very well. But I also want to say that it's because I understand. Meaning that I understand it's just life and death. But, I can't say this because I'm ignorant to death. This was my first actual encounter with it. Face-to-face. I'm not sure if I'd feel different it was my grandmother or grandfather. Right now, I want to say I would not care as much as Doe or her family seemed to care. Maybe it's because I'm not very close to anyone in my family. But then when I think about people who I know I'm close to dying, I don't feel a huge amount of sadness. The lack of emotion there is definitely, undoubtedly because I'm not dealing with it right now. I've mentioned this before, but I know I'd be sad if I didn't really get to say good bye. Closure, you know?

Another thing I think about is when Ryan and Lane first lost their cats. I've also mentioned this before. I had never had any real pets. Ryan and Lane both had lost their cats and were pretty bummed out about it. At the time I think I felt similar apathy. Obviously, sad for Lane and sad for Ryan, but not really realizing what they were probably going through. I remember when Ryan decided to stay home for a couple nights to spend his last couple nights with Patches, I was being pretty selfish. I kept thinking to myself "Ryan is being stupid and should just come over" or something probably along the same lines. I didn't know how much pets could really mean to people. Obviously, not having three cats of my own I'd probably do the same thing Ryan did. I get sad even thinking about it. What I'm getting at is maybe I don't feel anything for Doe's aunt leaving because I've never had to deal with death.

Doe has apparently lost a lot of people in her life. I haven't lost anyone. I'd like to think I could accept it since it's just part of life and we have little impact on the world if one of us is removed. I think if people take a look at the bigger picture, everything else will be easier for them. Myself included.

For some reason I want to be that understanding about everything. Cold hard logic! People who know me know I'm not cold and even less logical. But maybe I want to be that way because I'm not that way. "The grass is always greener..." that kind of thing.

Anyways, I left right as Doe's other aunt from Vermont arrived. She was in terrible emotional shape. I saw as one person lost their composure everyone else followed. Even I got teary eyed. I wasn't even sure why. Empathy?

Even more so, I felt out of place and like I shouldn't have been around. Family members were hugging and crying just trying to comfort one another as I stood in the middle looking around trying to not look awkward. These are very selfish thoughts I realized, but for some reason I couldn't escape these glances that seemed to tell me "what are you doing here?". I suppose maybe I never got those kinds of glances and I'm making them up in my head, but you never know.

I left because I had been gone for two hours from work I think. I told everyone I'd be back and left back to work. This is where my phone at home created more 'issues'. When I got to work I found I had an e-mail to me telling me I was going to be late coming back from lunch. I was thinking, I wonder if Jason was CCed on this in secret. Because someones you can mail to multiple e-mail address without showing everyone who is CCed. Turns out he wasn't. Since he had no idea where I was. I had to explain that to him. I guess he even called Jaclyn asking where I was and she called me. But my phone was at home so it all didn't matter.

I worked until five, got Doe some food and went back to the hospital.

It was more of the same. Except this time I didn't have Doe with me. I went back to the room with food and I couldn't find Doe. She had apparently went outside to talk to her sister (Elizabeth, Doe's 21+ sister whom she had not talked to in a year and a half) so I had to wait for her. I stood outside of the room with Doe's grandfather. He's a nice old man who seemed humorously naive sometimes. He's not senile I don't think, but he says somethings that were funny but were surely not suppose to be. I don't know if Doe would think this is funny, but when her Grandfather arrived, he asked the doctor "Is she in a coma yet?" in a very innocent, old man way and I let out a mind smirk. Everyone quickly answered she wasn't in a coma. I was wondering what would make him ask that. I assumed it was because his friends who had died in the past probably went through comas before death.

I wait probably half an hour outside of the room waiting for Doe. During my wait, a priest came to the room to read Madeline her last rights. Her a circle around her, the priest and various family members held hands and prayed around her and then they proceeded to chat with the priest. They were chatting about Madeline and then sooner after other topics that had little to do with Madeline or even with death for that matter. I felt that it was odd hearing chatter and laughter coming from the room of a dying woman. I finally found Doe who was waiting for me in another room for some reason, thanks to her funny grandfather.

After eating and talking to her sister, Elizabeth, for a while we went back to Madeline's room where everyone was. We had got there just in time to see Madeline's doctor leave. I guess people discovered that Madeline skipped many doctor's appointments that could have very well 'saved' her life. But I was thinking, she's 73 and I don't think that I would personally want to extend my life anymore. If it were me, I wouldn't want to go through the trouble of therapy, the sitting in bed, the doing nothing, all so my family could pay the bill after. Madeline didn't do much. She just lived at her sister house spending whatever money she had on cigaretts and lottery tickets. I don't blame her, she was 73! I'm just sayinig if I were in her shoes I wouldn't want to go through all the hassle.

Anyways,now I'm in a room full of family members who are just talking around Madeline's bed. No one being especially quiet or anything like that. People began to reminisce about Madeline, but I was a little shocked at how quickly the conversation turned from Madeline to the television. Doe's Uncle, Greg (the sad, really depressed version of Ryan's Dad), was watching TV and a show where they were making food popped on. Greg started calling out "Hey Dad, dad, check it out." Greg started naming whatever foods they were putting into a pot and everyone seemed to turn to the tv and sort of give a hunger moan. Doe's grandfather saying "Ooooh, I can't watch it. I want to eat!". That merited another mind smirk from me. But I looked at Madeline and how she was unconscious, breathing heavy and everyone was just chatting.

Another thing I realized is that many people in the family never had great things to say about Madeline. Always saying things like "all she does is sit in bed and buy lottery tickets" or things along those lines. But I guess death resolves all that.

I guess it's all things I'm going to have to experience someday and then I'll really know what I feel.

I was going to end it there, but I figured I'd say something about Madeline from the short time I knew her.

Madeline was a seemingly senile, hard of hearing old woman who sort of reminded me of Mister Magoo. She could be crabby sometimes, but for some reason I felt most comfortable with her when I went to family gatherings. She never gave me any fake niceness I feel I have to exchange with the other family members. Not that I don't want to be nice, but it's easier to just be neutral.

I heard a lot of stories of Madeline, hearing that she lived a crazy life. I think Doe even said she had tattoos on her chest? I'd rather not think of elderly woman chest, but i think old people with tattoos are cool.

I'm not going to end it with RIP Madeline, because I don't find it proper for some reason.

Holidays, April Accident, Life

Holidays
I haven't been posting as frequently as I used to or would like to. I still like blogging but I find that my free time is wasted doing other things. Mainly other more unproductive activities.

The end of the holidays are upon us! Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is again around the corner. The pressures of gift giving is forced on me. I don't mind gift giving, it's that I'm awful at getting gifts. Maybe it's because I'm unobservant to want a particular person would enjoy as a gift. My Mother, Doe, Stacey, I have no idea what they'd want.

My Mother always says not to get her anything. I say this to her and we usually don't exchange gifts and I'm fine with this. But she often does something to make it a Christmas gift. She's a hard lady to shop for too because she's so picky about things. If it's not practical than its just taking up space and she'll most likely return it. So if I do get her a gift, I'd like it to be something she uses. Maybe warm clothing?

Doe says I don't need to get her anything but who doesn't say this? The thing is if I was walking through a store I might see something Doe would want. But only if I'm not looking for it, if that makes sense. Basically, I blank when I try to think of things that Doe would want.

It seems like I'm just trying to convince you people that I'm a terrible person/husband.

I still have to think of gifts to give to other people, like Doe's parents, friends? It's too expensive and I think gifts should be given spontaneously! Everyone is forced to buy things for other people because of Christmas. That said, the gifts don't mean as much, do they? If it were spontaneous, I would know I was being thought of.

Maybe I'm unappreciative of gifts comes from when I was young and my parents would tell me to make Christmas list and they said there were only going to get the first thing on the list. Also, I'm not sure if they told me to do this or I felt guilty about it, but I would never ask for anything over $50 dollars. I always wanted video game consoles and stuff like that but I'm pretty sure my parents would do that. Either way, as the Christmas' past with this gifting code, I soon lost interest and I didn't want to make my parents buy me a gift when it seemed so bothersome. So, one year I didn't ask for anything. I even remember making an empty list and putting in my stocking for my parents. When I went down that Christmas morning I found Stacey and Duc unwrapping gifts and things I felt left out I guess. Of course, I did it to myself, but I was still young (I think I was nine or ten?) and still selfish in that way where if someone has something I want something. I remember my parents still got me this odd gift though. It was a guitar. But not like a real guitar, one of those guitars with a bunch of keys on it and you just press them and they make noises. I think this made matter worse. I think I would have been better off with no gift, instead of this gift my parents got to probably make themselves feel better. But then I might be overlooking the "they were thinking about me" aspect and the "me being ungrateful" aspect. Either way, I felt sad about not getting a gift.

The next year though was the same thing from me, but I guess I cared less! So as the years went on Christmas just became another day.

But now as I'm older I do feel obligated to give gifts to people. Seeing as I have the means to. I know it should be out of the good of my heart, but I still feel like it's a task. I do like giving gifts and having people admire my gift! But they won't admire a gift that's shitty. I also don't like fake enthusiam. But maybe it's not fake? Maybe I'm one of those people who gives gifts and says right after "You don't like it do you? We can return it."

April Accident
So! I was in a car accident April 1st this past year. Blah blah blah, it's December and I'm still trying to get shit settled!

Well, it should be all settled now. I've been recieving collection agency notices since October and I've had to call my insurance agent, Lahey Clinic and my health insurance. Talk about annoying. And if you know me, I'm not so good on public speaking. So my conversations with these people are mumbles and a lot of 'Uh, oh!'.

Well, my car insurance agent told me a couple days ago that I shouldn't worry anymore and that she got everything settled. She said I shouldn't have to pay anything and I surely should be dealing with any of this 8 months since the accident.

General Life
Work has been 'good'. Depending how you like your work. I like my work to be semi-busy. Busy enough to make the day fly, but not so busy that I'm stressing over deadlines. Recently it's been the good kind of busy. Where I have shit to do everyday and I do it, and it's done.

We moved into a larger, more professional building. I like it a lot. It makes me feel professional. I just wish I was getting more money now. I'd like to live more comfortably, instead of living paycheck to paycheck!

I started putting money into my 401k too! So I actually am saving money. Doe seems to be doing fine, she always seems to have money to spend. In turn, I always have money to spend. It's unfortunately spent on food. I don't know why myself and others can't just not go out to eat. But there aren't many options.

I believe that our eating habits will change once we get into a house where we all live together. I won't fantisize about it here as I feel like I fantasize about it too much already!

Well, I guess I'm done for now, hopefully things are posted more frequently.

Thanksgiving

It was alright!

Fears and Death

Not fears of death, but fears AND death. Also, I found that my posts nowadays seem to be more rants about whatever then anything else. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Anyways, I was driving last night to get Doe from her work and I was thinking about brain aneurysms. I recently watched a movie, Son of Ranbow, where this kids father died mowing his lawn because of a brain aneurysm. I remembered a long, long time ago an acquaintance I had in middle school, Justin O'Neil, he died of a brain aneurysm. It's just a random way of dying. Scary to me too. Not because you die, but because of how sudden it is I guess. Basically, I'd like to have closure before I die. I think that's really all I care about in terms of death. I'd like to think that I'm not afraid of it, but my opinions seem to always be changing. Indecisiveness!

Saying 'bye' in some form is something I think I value a lot. I can't describe what is it, but I hate just leaving anyone without saying 'good night' or 'see ya later'. It's an awful feeling to me I guess, even if I'll see them the next day. When I was a kid, I used to get really sad at school and even cry if for some reason I didn't get to say 'bye, love you' to my mom. Not sure why. I want to assume it has something to do with my parents?

I'd like to know the intricacies of my upbringing. Basically nature versus nurture. Am I like I am today because of my family and friends that I surrounded myself growing up? Or genetically was I built like I am? I guess that's one for another day.

So, I figure I'm afraid of dying suddenly. I'd like to write a quick note before being put down. Something like "thanks [names]" and "thanks for nothing [names]".

As lot of people may know and I'm not ashamed to say this, but I'm terribly afraid of the dark. I guess who isn't in some sense. But when I have to walk to my car at night after leaving the Basement I'm afraid of what could be out in the shadows. Just last night when I had to park outside the gates there were times where it was really dark but still enough ambient light that I could make out figures in the darkness. I ALWAYS see a human figure and I stop and kind of wave my hands around in front of me, but of course ,there's nothing there. It doesn't help that it's autumn and there are leaves bouncing across the pavement making it sound like there are people sort of tip-toeing around the driveway.

The danger isn't over even when I get to my car, after seeing numerous 'people' on my walk to my car, I calming but at the same time frantically, pull my keys out of my pocket and as I turn the key to unlock my car doors I'm afraid there will be some horrifying, looking person sitting in my car and staring at me as the interior lights turn on. Obviously, that's never the case.

STILL, even after getting into my car, the danger is not over. I jump into my car, lock the doors and rush to put my keys in the ignition. I hesitate before turning on my headlights fearing the same situation. I don't want to turn on my headlights and see some man or creature staring at me again! Again, that is never the case.

This brings me to the drive home where I try to calm myself before I have to walk into the darkness of my home, where all sorts of shadow creatures could be waiting for me. But the drive home isn't a walk in the park. I try searching the radio waves for some talk show where it's fun and uplifting, but it's always music that doesn't do a thing. Looking in my interior rear view mirror is a risk for me because I fear looking into it and seeing the empty, black eyes of some dead girl sitting in the middle of my back seat. She is never there.

When I get home, I get out of my car, walk to my front door but very wary of what might be sitting in the dark street or the dark woods across the street. I again search for the right keys to unlock my front door calmly but also a bit panicked. When I finally get the door open, I step in and turn on the lights immediately with the same fear that I had when unlocking my car door and turning on my head lights. After the lights are on and the cats have greeted me (making me feel much better) I need to lock the glass door. So I do, but as I do this, I'm always afraid someone/something is going to run in front of the door screeching and scratching at the glass door. But, this never happens.

I walk up my stairs and head for the bathroom. Entering the bathroom I'm afraid of finding a bloody corpse in the bathtub with blood just EVERY where. I'm glad that has never happened. I then decide to brush my teeth and I don't know about anyone else, but I like looking in the mirror when I brush to make sure I'm brushing all the right places. But having three mirrors in my bathroom is a curse! If I'm staring into on mirror I see in the reflection the other mirror. I'm always so afraid of seeing something in the reflection of the other reflection. Anything! A girl, a figure walking out of view at the last minute. It's awful.

When I walk into my room, I hope the TV is on so I can see Doe sleeping in the bed. It usually is, but even then I'm afraid that it's not Doe in the bed and that it's some crazy lady with big, frightening eyes, who jumps up as I approach the bed and she's screaming and her hair is waving the snakes that rest on Medusa's head! Happily, it is just Doe sleeping peacefully to some anime that was left on by Cartoon Network.

That's basically what I go through every night I leave the Basement after midnight. Sometimes even after ten. Ha ha.

What really scares me is what if one day I imagine so hard (unintentionally) that these things happen? That I actually go crazy and through my mind these fears come to life? I hope that never happens, I'd rather be dead. Ha!