Death

Yesterday around noon time, Doe texted me on the computer and she asked me if I could pick her up from work because she needed to see her Aunt. I suppose you could say 'Great Aunt'. She is Doe's Grandmother's sister. But Doe calls her an aunt.

Also, before I got on, I don't think Doe would mind me talking about this. Actually, I know she wouldn't mind.

Anyways, her Aunt has been at the Winchester hospital for about the past month. I'm not even entirely sure what the issue was, I believe it was cancer that spread into her stomach. Either way, everyone knew she didn't have much time left.

Doe's father had called Doe as he was at the hospital and he told him that she probably only had a few hours left. Doe tried calling me but I left my phone at home! (My phone at home plays another inconvenient role later) After calling my phone a million times and trying to 411 my work, she had trouble since I guess my work isn't listed, Doe finally found my mobile aim address and texted my from her phone. I left immediately down 93 and 95! When I got to Doe's salon she was teary eyed and a little frantic.

After a bunch of traffic, we got to the hospital. I remembered the last time I was at this hospital was because Natty had gotten hit in the head at a show. Well, we went up elevators, down halls and finally to Doe's Aunt's room. Doe's Aunt, Madeline, was in the hospital bed. She looked pretty uncomfortable and in bad shape to be honest. Doe's actual 'aunt' was already there along with a bunch of other family members that I had never met. I felt like I shouldn't have been there. I didn't know Madeline very well, I didn't know these other family members very well and it seemed like a time where a 'stranger' like myself isn't wanted.

Doe was in the room with Madeline just staring at her and I stood outside looking in with some other members of the family. Specifically, Toni (Doe's aunt), an elderly woman (Madeline's sister), another older woman and older man (cousins I think Doe said). The two cousins and the sister seemd oddly 'regular' in the situation. But I guess that doesn't matter.

I didn't want to go into Madeline's room because I, again, didn't feel like I belonged in there at all. If anything I only wanted to go in and give Doe whatever comfort I could offer. When I did walk in I got a better look at Madeline. She looked older than I last remembered. Obviously. I remember I kept thinking "This is what Death is." but unfortunately not feeling any sort of sadness inside myself for what was happening. I got sad seeing people crying, but not so much when I saw Madeline so lifeless. I want to say it's because I didn't know her very well. But I also want to say that it's because I understand. Meaning that I understand it's just life and death. But, I can't say this because I'm ignorant to death. This was my first actual encounter with it. Face-to-face. I'm not sure if I'd feel different it was my grandmother or grandfather. Right now, I want to say I would not care as much as Doe or her family seemed to care. Maybe it's because I'm not very close to anyone in my family. But then when I think about people who I know I'm close to dying, I don't feel a huge amount of sadness. The lack of emotion there is definitely, undoubtedly because I'm not dealing with it right now. I've mentioned this before, but I know I'd be sad if I didn't really get to say good bye. Closure, you know?

Another thing I think about is when Ryan and Lane first lost their cats. I've also mentioned this before. I had never had any real pets. Ryan and Lane both had lost their cats and were pretty bummed out about it. At the time I think I felt similar apathy. Obviously, sad for Lane and sad for Ryan, but not really realizing what they were probably going through. I remember when Ryan decided to stay home for a couple nights to spend his last couple nights with Patches, I was being pretty selfish. I kept thinking to myself "Ryan is being stupid and should just come over" or something probably along the same lines. I didn't know how much pets could really mean to people. Obviously, not having three cats of my own I'd probably do the same thing Ryan did. I get sad even thinking about it. What I'm getting at is maybe I don't feel anything for Doe's aunt leaving because I've never had to deal with death.

Doe has apparently lost a lot of people in her life. I haven't lost anyone. I'd like to think I could accept it since it's just part of life and we have little impact on the world if one of us is removed. I think if people take a look at the bigger picture, everything else will be easier for them. Myself included.

For some reason I want to be that understanding about everything. Cold hard logic! People who know me know I'm not cold and even less logical. But maybe I want to be that way because I'm not that way. "The grass is always greener..." that kind of thing.

Anyways, I left right as Doe's other aunt from Vermont arrived. She was in terrible emotional shape. I saw as one person lost their composure everyone else followed. Even I got teary eyed. I wasn't even sure why. Empathy?

Even more so, I felt out of place and like I shouldn't have been around. Family members were hugging and crying just trying to comfort one another as I stood in the middle looking around trying to not look awkward. These are very selfish thoughts I realized, but for some reason I couldn't escape these glances that seemed to tell me "what are you doing here?". I suppose maybe I never got those kinds of glances and I'm making them up in my head, but you never know.

I left because I had been gone for two hours from work I think. I told everyone I'd be back and left back to work. This is where my phone at home created more 'issues'. When I got to work I found I had an e-mail to me telling me I was going to be late coming back from lunch. I was thinking, I wonder if Jason was CCed on this in secret. Because someones you can mail to multiple e-mail address without showing everyone who is CCed. Turns out he wasn't. Since he had no idea where I was. I had to explain that to him. I guess he even called Jaclyn asking where I was and she called me. But my phone was at home so it all didn't matter.

I worked until five, got Doe some food and went back to the hospital.

It was more of the same. Except this time I didn't have Doe with me. I went back to the room with food and I couldn't find Doe. She had apparently went outside to talk to her sister (Elizabeth, Doe's 21+ sister whom she had not talked to in a year and a half) so I had to wait for her. I stood outside of the room with Doe's grandfather. He's a nice old man who seemed humorously naive sometimes. He's not senile I don't think, but he says somethings that were funny but were surely not suppose to be. I don't know if Doe would think this is funny, but when her Grandfather arrived, he asked the doctor "Is she in a coma yet?" in a very innocent, old man way and I let out a mind smirk. Everyone quickly answered she wasn't in a coma. I was wondering what would make him ask that. I assumed it was because his friends who had died in the past probably went through comas before death.

I wait probably half an hour outside of the room waiting for Doe. During my wait, a priest came to the room to read Madeline her last rights. Her a circle around her, the priest and various family members held hands and prayed around her and then they proceeded to chat with the priest. They were chatting about Madeline and then sooner after other topics that had little to do with Madeline or even with death for that matter. I felt that it was odd hearing chatter and laughter coming from the room of a dying woman. I finally found Doe who was waiting for me in another room for some reason, thanks to her funny grandfather.

After eating and talking to her sister, Elizabeth, for a while we went back to Madeline's room where everyone was. We had got there just in time to see Madeline's doctor leave. I guess people discovered that Madeline skipped many doctor's appointments that could have very well 'saved' her life. But I was thinking, she's 73 and I don't think that I would personally want to extend my life anymore. If it were me, I wouldn't want to go through the trouble of therapy, the sitting in bed, the doing nothing, all so my family could pay the bill after. Madeline didn't do much. She just lived at her sister house spending whatever money she had on cigaretts and lottery tickets. I don't blame her, she was 73! I'm just sayinig if I were in her shoes I wouldn't want to go through all the hassle.

Anyways,now I'm in a room full of family members who are just talking around Madeline's bed. No one being especially quiet or anything like that. People began to reminisce about Madeline, but I was a little shocked at how quickly the conversation turned from Madeline to the television. Doe's Uncle, Greg (the sad, really depressed version of Ryan's Dad), was watching TV and a show where they were making food popped on. Greg started calling out "Hey Dad, dad, check it out." Greg started naming whatever foods they were putting into a pot and everyone seemed to turn to the tv and sort of give a hunger moan. Doe's grandfather saying "Ooooh, I can't watch it. I want to eat!". That merited another mind smirk from me. But I looked at Madeline and how she was unconscious, breathing heavy and everyone was just chatting.

Another thing I realized is that many people in the family never had great things to say about Madeline. Always saying things like "all she does is sit in bed and buy lottery tickets" or things along those lines. But I guess death resolves all that.

I guess it's all things I'm going to have to experience someday and then I'll really know what I feel.

I was going to end it there, but I figured I'd say something about Madeline from the short time I knew her.

Madeline was a seemingly senile, hard of hearing old woman who sort of reminded me of Mister Magoo. She could be crabby sometimes, but for some reason I felt most comfortable with her when I went to family gatherings. She never gave me any fake niceness I feel I have to exchange with the other family members. Not that I don't want to be nice, but it's easier to just be neutral.

I heard a lot of stories of Madeline, hearing that she lived a crazy life. I think Doe even said she had tattoos on her chest? I'd rather not think of elderly woman chest, but i think old people with tattoos are cool.

I'm not going to end it with RIP Madeline, because I don't find it proper for some reason.