Fears and Death

Not fears of death, but fears AND death. Also, I found that my posts nowadays seem to be more rants about whatever then anything else. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Anyways, I was driving last night to get Doe from her work and I was thinking about brain aneurysms. I recently watched a movie, Son of Ranbow, where this kids father died mowing his lawn because of a brain aneurysm. I remembered a long, long time ago an acquaintance I had in middle school, Justin O'Neil, he died of a brain aneurysm. It's just a random way of dying. Scary to me too. Not because you die, but because of how sudden it is I guess. Basically, I'd like to have closure before I die. I think that's really all I care about in terms of death. I'd like to think that I'm not afraid of it, but my opinions seem to always be changing. Indecisiveness!

Saying 'bye' in some form is something I think I value a lot. I can't describe what is it, but I hate just leaving anyone without saying 'good night' or 'see ya later'. It's an awful feeling to me I guess, even if I'll see them the next day. When I was a kid, I used to get really sad at school and even cry if for some reason I didn't get to say 'bye, love you' to my mom. Not sure why. I want to assume it has something to do with my parents?

I'd like to know the intricacies of my upbringing. Basically nature versus nurture. Am I like I am today because of my family and friends that I surrounded myself growing up? Or genetically was I built like I am? I guess that's one for another day.

So, I figure I'm afraid of dying suddenly. I'd like to write a quick note before being put down. Something like "thanks [names]" and "thanks for nothing [names]".

As lot of people may know and I'm not ashamed to say this, but I'm terribly afraid of the dark. I guess who isn't in some sense. But when I have to walk to my car at night after leaving the Basement I'm afraid of what could be out in the shadows. Just last night when I had to park outside the gates there were times where it was really dark but still enough ambient light that I could make out figures in the darkness. I ALWAYS see a human figure and I stop and kind of wave my hands around in front of me, but of course ,there's nothing there. It doesn't help that it's autumn and there are leaves bouncing across the pavement making it sound like there are people sort of tip-toeing around the driveway.

The danger isn't over even when I get to my car, after seeing numerous 'people' on my walk to my car, I calming but at the same time frantically, pull my keys out of my pocket and as I turn the key to unlock my car doors I'm afraid there will be some horrifying, looking person sitting in my car and staring at me as the interior lights turn on. Obviously, that's never the case.

STILL, even after getting into my car, the danger is not over. I jump into my car, lock the doors and rush to put my keys in the ignition. I hesitate before turning on my headlights fearing the same situation. I don't want to turn on my headlights and see some man or creature staring at me again! Again, that is never the case.

This brings me to the drive home where I try to calm myself before I have to walk into the darkness of my home, where all sorts of shadow creatures could be waiting for me. But the drive home isn't a walk in the park. I try searching the radio waves for some talk show where it's fun and uplifting, but it's always music that doesn't do a thing. Looking in my interior rear view mirror is a risk for me because I fear looking into it and seeing the empty, black eyes of some dead girl sitting in the middle of my back seat. She is never there.

When I get home, I get out of my car, walk to my front door but very wary of what might be sitting in the dark street or the dark woods across the street. I again search for the right keys to unlock my front door calmly but also a bit panicked. When I finally get the door open, I step in and turn on the lights immediately with the same fear that I had when unlocking my car door and turning on my head lights. After the lights are on and the cats have greeted me (making me feel much better) I need to lock the glass door. So I do, but as I do this, I'm always afraid someone/something is going to run in front of the door screeching and scratching at the glass door. But, this never happens.

I walk up my stairs and head for the bathroom. Entering the bathroom I'm afraid of finding a bloody corpse in the bathtub with blood just EVERY where. I'm glad that has never happened. I then decide to brush my teeth and I don't know about anyone else, but I like looking in the mirror when I brush to make sure I'm brushing all the right places. But having three mirrors in my bathroom is a curse! If I'm staring into on mirror I see in the reflection the other mirror. I'm always so afraid of seeing something in the reflection of the other reflection. Anything! A girl, a figure walking out of view at the last minute. It's awful.

When I walk into my room, I hope the TV is on so I can see Doe sleeping in the bed. It usually is, but even then I'm afraid that it's not Doe in the bed and that it's some crazy lady with big, frightening eyes, who jumps up as I approach the bed and she's screaming and her hair is waving the snakes that rest on Medusa's head! Happily, it is just Doe sleeping peacefully to some anime that was left on by Cartoon Network.

That's basically what I go through every night I leave the Basement after midnight. Sometimes even after ten. Ha ha.

What really scares me is what if one day I imagine so hard (unintentionally) that these things happen? That I actually go crazy and through my mind these fears come to life? I hope that never happens, I'd rather be dead. Ha!